Control Freak

Let me start off by saying, I am a control freak. It shockingly took me an extremely long time to figure this out and even longer to actually admit to myself because I love the idea of being easy going and somewhat apathetic towards things. I like being able to plan ahead for the “big moments” in my life; college, my major, my social life/groups, relationships/ dating, careers, continuing college, etc. but I have come to find- I am completely inept. Through discovering this, I have realized how truly blessed that I am, because even if I wanted to, God takes hold of my life to orchestrate it perfectly, in a way that will truly please Him, whether I understand it, or it's timing, or not.

This truth has been somewhat of an inner battle for me, finding comfort while arising a sense of uneasiness simultaneously. This is because of my mere humanness trying to feed me the ideologies of “if I don’t do it no one will,” or “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” These mindsets have continually pulled me away from the Lord because it’s the enemy feeding me the idea that I am better off doing life myself, controlling everything, without the input of God simply because His timing doesn’t always align perfectly with what I want.

But then, I still try to claim that I am trusting Him, that I’m giving my all to Him, that I don’t fear what’s ahead because He has gone before me- how and why can I truly believe so much of this so often, but still find myself stressed out over the minute details of life not falling together the exact way that I imagined. I am feeble minded. I am weak. I am broken. Still though, through all of this; I am strengthened, mended and saved through Christ Jesus.

Earlier today I went to Church and wow, a piece of scripture I have read time and time again, was revealed to me in a new, refreshing, zealous manner. The “beatitudes” and the salt and light portion of the Sermon on the Mount, verses that have seemingly become over emphasized and repeated to me in my Christian life that I had almost become numb to them, because I had never truly been convicted by them or really affected in any way other than thinking, “oh that’s nice.” Today though, I was reminded of them and for the first time they genuinely clicked; the beatitudes are not just a good idea, or just for the “really good Christians,” but they are a clear outline of what every single Christ follower should represent, and not only when surrounded by like-minded community but in all situations, shining the likeness of Jesus to the entire world. When breaking down the calls of the salt and light, the Pastor expanded on what each of those things meant, almost redundant seeming, but really what made it all click.

Salt, in the era this sermon was given, was used as a preservative, where it would draw out the thing (water) that would eventually destroy and rot the product, Jesus is telling us to do the same. What the heck does that mean? Well, we are the salt of the earth, preserving it to be what it was created for, to pull out the “bad stuff;” hate, judgement, resentment, temptation, frustration, discontent, sin out of the world. Additionally, we can agree, salt makes things better- do we? We are sent out to remove sin, as vessels of God, to make room for His kingdom to grow, thus aiding in the betterment of the earth.

YOU ARE the light of the world. No not just the “high and mighty” of Christianity, but you, me, everyone. The word light is continually repeated throughout the bible, describing so many different aspects of purpose; showing God’s path, insight, understanding, wisdom, warmth, life, etc.. Still though, it is not us individually shining the light of Jesus, but collectively creating a vivacious beam of light together. With that, what is that beam pointing to, what is it highlighting? It should be the goodness of Jesus but so often the rest of the world views Christianity as a bad or unnecessary thing, so I ask again, what are we really shining our light on? We, as Christians don’t necessarily have trouble being seen, but being unique in the light we shine- our lamp should not resemble the rest of the world, because we should not, our hearts should not be like the rest of the world. If we are shining similarly to the world, why is our lamp different, why is Jesus special? Our lives should be physical, visual representations of Jesus Christ not someone who just says they're Christian on social media but truly having changed hearts, readjusted desires and a life that is no longer ours but God's. We shouldn’t simply try to package Jesus in some alluring fashion, while living with a disconnect, but instead allow Him to pour into us and He will shine more radiantly than we ever could attempt to recreate or mimic.

The best news about this all is that we are not doing it alone. We are incapable of doing this alone, so why would God call us to it, if He weren’t with us? We, as humans, are poor in spirit, we will fail- constantly, but God is so dang good because every morning we wake up and arise in the resurrection of Jesus and walk out of that tomb with Him, hand in hand, completely made new by grace.

All of this got me thinking and prepared me to come across Acts 1:7; He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. Too often I catch myself second guessing what God really wants with and for me simply because I don’t feel like His timing is proper. I question how I can be the salt of the earth, the light of the world when my life isn’t going how I think it should be. That’s where it really clicked for me, those moments where my plans and expectations aren’t fulfilled is exactly when I should be diving into the Lord, allowing Him to fill me up, renew my saltiness and dust off my light because those moments are the ones where God will shine and renew me the most.

It is not my right to see in advance how my life will play out, actually it is crucial that I don’t because through various circumstances in my life, God will mold me and equip me for what’s to come. Having complete faith that He will work together all that needs to be configured is not easy, but boy, it’s one heck of an adventure, with the most beautiful views I have ever witnessed. Ensuring that I do not let my heart become stagnant in the moments of questioning or slight discomfort is to continuously revert back to the beatitudes, to remember what Jesus preached on the mount. I am the salt, called to pull out evil, making room for His goodness, but can only remain salty with Him within me. He will be able to work in me through any situation when I open my heart, so be it something I plan in advance or not, God has His hands in it, knowing so much better of my needs than I ever could. I am the light of the world, radiating all that Jesus is to those around me, because I may be the only glimmer of Jesus someone ever sees, I have to let Him live through me in order to represent Christ properly instead of simply highlighting myself. My life is completely in His hands, and even when my “plans” do not align with His, I will be confident that He is so much greater than even the best thing I can imagine and that through Him I will remain salty and a light atop a hill.