distance sucks... kinda
“My boyfriend lives in tennessee.”
A statement that unexpectedly brings an overwhelming amount of questions, concerns and comments.
So I thought I may try to clear the air.
It sucks.
But it is also one of the best/ coolest things that God has done in and for my life and heart.
Would I have chosen to fall for a guy that lives this freaking far from me? Never. Am I glad God called me into it? Absolutely.
Yup, there it is, the truth.
Relationships are hard, messy and confusing whether you live two feet from each other or 1360 miles apart. The difference? I can’t go over to his place when I’m sad, or lonely, or want to celebrate something awesome with him- I shoot him a text, see if he’s awake and then proceed to partake in a poor connection battle of facetime through whatever emotion I am battling. We can’t just kiss and makeup over every little thing, we have to communicate our emotions, issues and struggles with one another, or learn to become more understanding and attempt at not getting frustrated as easily as we (I- let’s be real this is mostly directed at myself) may if we lived in closer proximity to one another.
I crave so desperately to be able to just hug him, or sit on the couch and talk face to face, knees touching, just reminiscing about our days. But I can’t. I have been forced to be very okay with sometimes sounding needy, needing to talk and text and all the things that living in the twenty-first century has provided us. In the same light, it has forced me to seek the Lord for those things- even though it seems natural to want them with and from Zach. This whole thing has become a bit of a paradigm, this idea that being in a long distance relationship has caused me to more clearly grasp the relationship I have with the Father. A relationship that is both up close and personal, and long distance, one that although I have always heard described as intimate, has not necessarily lived up to that until recently.
Intimacy- such a over sensitized connotation, huh? When in reality it is defined as; “closely acquainted; familiar, close” or “private and personal.” Isn’t that exactly what God wants from and with us? God has been revealing to me the beauty of this intimacy with him, the idea of truly knowing and being known and the depth it provides. I have always struggled with the idea of being known- it is a scary thing, there are no safe spaces, it is raw and uncomfortable, until… it’s just not. God does this for us, he creates a space that, although our sin tries to tell us we should be ashamed (Genesis 3:7), God calls us back into a space before all that shame, a space that is raw, authentic and exactly how he desired (Genesis 2:25).
My relationship with Zach has been such a beautiful depiction of what is also needed in my relationship with the Lord, messy, hard, beautiful, inspiring, intimate and captivating. It has taught me that so many of the emotions and trials I face in my relationship, God feels towards me. The Lord wants time, attention and love; he wants open communication; he wants all of me, no limitations no conditions.
First of all, let me say- these emotions, wanting to be loved fully, ARE NOT NEGATIVE- God instilled a desire in every single one of us to experience love deeply, this craving can only be satisfied by our relationship with Jesus, but God can give us overflows, tangible examples of his love. I think that is what he is doing in my life and relationship with Zach.
God has been teaching me the overwhelming need for over communication and intentionality. In the way that I need with my relationship, I must invite the Lord into all of that far before, and allow him to go far deeper in the mess that is my mind and my heart than even I can sometimes. He has opened my eyes to the idea that love, both the love shared on earth and between us is a love that is chosen daily- it is something we must fight for vivaciously. I have been able to see the importance of first choosing the Lord, then the incredible loves he has blessed me with here on earth because I am unable to love or recieve love fully when I am not first filled by he who is love.
My whole life I have exclaimed that I would never be in a long distance relationship because they’re “dumb,” or “too hard” or whatever other uninformed reason I could come up with. Not saying they are necessarily false- simply uninformed. The reason I thought those things was because I didn’t think I was cut out for it, I didn’t think I was strong enough and quite frankly, I didn’t think I was good enough to be desired especially be desired by someone who I couldn’t constantly tangibly and physically pursue from a distance. God shut me up. He did that by throwing me directly into a long distance relationship, one that would point me ever so clearly to where my relationship with the Lord needed work and also what I could bring to the table, my strengths he has already instilled in me.
God Has taught me that I AM strong enough, because HE IS and that I am worthy because HE has made me so. He has reminded me of the truth that anything rooted in him cannot be destroyed by anything of this world. He has pointed out so many of the incredible and beloved qualities in myself that I never knew I had- or never knew were good. I have learned to fall more in love myself and with the Lord through the love I get to share with this other person and although none of these loves are easy. He has taught me the ways that my relationship is both insanely intimate and close while facing similar struggles of a long distance relationship.
I hate missing him, I hate that I can’t be with him whenever I want, but it makes those moments that I am with him (and even the times of anticipation before) so much sweeter. I think that’s a lot like what we experience with Jesus and I am so glad I get to miss, love, desire, pursue and do life with a God who knows me WAY better than I know myself and who loves me Way better than I would have ever imagined.
(Also one who would call me into something I swore off, just so he could teach me more about himself and me while giving me a love I am ever grateful for here on earth.)