Joy in the surrender

I just got back from four weeks of young life camping- the first, I had the opportunity to bring my middle school friends to camp and the next three were spent on the other side of the country on summer staff. So, to say the least, the Lord has been doing a lot this summer and I’m finally able to take a breath and break it all down. So here it goes, I guess, the mental debrief of the Holy Spirit and me over the past month… First off, wyldlife camp, an insane, fun-filled 5 days of breaking down walls, breaking down the gospel and even a little bit of breaking down over boys. All jokes aside though, wyldlife camp was one the absolute sweetest things where we had a variety of friends come, all with different backgrounds and stances on God, but through His grace and perfection, they all got along and they all got closer to the idea of a life with Jesus. I have to admit, wyldlife camp is crazy, never in a million years would I have pegged myself as someone who would love surrounding herself with hundreds of 11-14 year olds for a week straight, but man God has really wrecked my heart in that, and I am so, so glad that He has. At the beginning of the week, I allowed the enemy to feed me lies, that the girls that were kind of closed off would never open up and that it was my fault, and that I was going to be the “uncool” leader, but the Holy Spirit and my incredible co-leaders helped me WRECK those lies and throw them into the dirt where they belong. To expand on that- in January, I was the new, fun and exciting leader, and by March I was head leader- crazy, I know. So in that, we gained new leaders and lost a few and so when summer camp rolled around, I was the trip leader, the one “in charge” of my area and so given, I had extra responsibilities and in that, I was fearful. I was fearful I wouldn’t be as relational or whatever else because middle schoolers love newness so our new leader was welcomed with open arms and I thought that automatically meant I would be pushed out. WRONG! That was just the devil grabbing hold of my heart and pride, but luckily my sweet co-leader is so incredible and the Lord is so sweet in our one-on-one time in just affirming me on how loved I am, not only by my girls, but by Him. In the midst of this inner battle, God decided to just mic drop on the situation and turn everything around, He softened the hearts of my girls, allowing them to open up about hard stuff and to the idea of God. During our second cabin time, one of my sweet friends answered the question: “How would you feel if you were one of the men in the boat, seeing Jesus walk on water?” She said, “Seeing Jesus walking on the water would be kind of like waiting to go on the swing, kinda wanna puke, kinda wanna cry but really, really excited.” and if that’s not the sweetest, most heart warming and affirming things you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. These girls wrecked my heart in all the right ways, loving me and each other well and it seriously just depicted so well the community and life we were created for. Leaving wyldlife camp was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, because as those relationships were developing and an openness to the gospel widening, I had to leave camp a day early. Again, I faced inner debate and trial but God called me into this next, big, exciting and slightly terrifying season He would not have me back out of- so, to summer staff at Carolina Point I went. Wow. Three weeks have never dissipated in such a whirlwind as these did. I was able to build in community and in fine tuning my relationship with Jesus, taking the time to admit that it may not be as great and perfect as I try to project it, while also growing in the confidence the Lord has given me to never minimize the glory He has done and continues to do in my life and my heart. (i.e. just because someone else is struggling, does not mean I shouldn't share the goodness God has done in me.) I was able to experience childlike faith time and time again, perfectly and beautifully depicted one day by dancing joyfully in insane rain alongside friends and strangers who would come into that same title. For those who may not know, rain is one of my absolute favorite things, growing up in Arizona, when it rains it rains hard (monsoon season) and so I have grown up, running and playing in the rain with my big brothers. That zeal for rain has not faded into adulthood but I can absolutely admit that it was emphasized while at camp because God really let down those walls, the pride of being “too cool,” or “too old” to look like a fool dancing in the rain, and so I just did it. Splashing around, sliding in grass puddles- like how random, but God MET ME IN THAT!! He is such a fun, spirited and cute God like, wow, I just love that!! God taught me to find joy in the waiting- that even in the midst of confusion and uncertainty He is GOOD and with that, that we will not grow when we're comfortable but we will bear fruit and experience life so zealously when we venture outside of our comfort zone. Frick y'all, I flew across the country to serve at camp where I didn't know anyone and where I had never even been, so to say the least I was out of my comfort zone. Although seemingly out of my comfort zone, I was able to find a strange amount of comfort, so in all of that, God was able to pull me out of those little comfortable habits and grow with Him. 

One of those comfort zones I like to nuzzle myself into is constantly just pouring out. God taught me to be comfortable in silence, sitting, listening and learning through others. Building off of that, I had to wrestle in the discomfort of affirmation. I love loving people, making them feel worthy and important; truly, deeply and completely loved but for some reason, most of, if not all of my life I have not been able to confidently receive that, to accept that truth as one of my own. So, against my will, God love me. He loved me well, not only through my quiet time but through the people surrounding me. He gave me some of my best friends, people that I can just look at and we know what the other is thinking and just burst into laughter, fall into a reviving and Spirit filled hug, or even a seemingly endless conversation after removing ourselves from the crowd. God affirmed me through these people so much that sometimes I was so uncomfortable, it felt like I was drowning. Boy oh boy though, God seriously grew and developed me in the midst of that discomfort. The Holy Spirit smacked me in the face with my worth, refusing to allow me to ignore it or skim passed it and pass it on to the next heart in need. God made me take it all in and marinate on the words everyone was saying, not focusing on the ones they didn't say, but just on the joy and effervescence God instilled in that place, and in me. I will no longer deny the great work that God has done in and through me, none of it to my glory but to His- so why try to deny that magnificence?!! He is GOOD in all things y'all, and that includes in ME! I have been washed and made worthy in His name!

Another thing that God revealed to me through and unrelated statement "focus on your breathing." (initially intended to make my big bites not itch so bad by not focusing on them) turned into the Lord knocking on my heart to do that- focus on my breathing, what am i stressing about? marinating on? itching for? so frequently i found that when i did, when i took a step back, focused on my breath- God plugged me right back in, filled me up and spoke to me tenderly and reminded me to find my life source, my breath in him. His voice is not a scream in the ear, but a small, still whisper, to hear that completely, I need to disconnect from all the tangents my mind attempts to travel into, God calls me to focus on my breathing. This is a widely used technique to focus on centering oneself, so, naturally, God has been teaching me to center myself back on His voice and goodness. Life is crazy and fast and so, so full of things- yes even at camp- so gaining this sweet little tool has been really helpful, and a total God thing, both at camp and in day-to-day life because God is my source of breath, my Creater and Father, focusing on that is essential. 

So I encourage you, never be afraid to say "yes" to where you hear the Lord's voice calling you. God brings JOY in the surrender, when we lay it all down at His feet, He will bring fruit and glory because He wants to fulfill the desires of our hearts! God has met me in the midst of craziness and inner conflict, all summer and all my life- He wants to do the same with y'all!! He is oh so GOOD and He truly brings FULLNESS y'all! 

some scripture from my time:

// I finished off in Revelation at wyldlife camp and started Psalms at summer staff//

Romans 8:18-30

Psalm 4:7-8

Psalm 8

Psalm 11:14

Psalm 18:33

Psalm 20:4

Psalm 22:27-28

Psalm 27:1

Psalm 27:6

Psalm 27:14

Psalm 29:11

Psalm 30:11-12

Psalm 31:3

Psalm 31:22

Psalm 32:8

Psalm 33

Revelation 13:10

Revelation 19:10

Revelation 21:4